


Military Humor

by mrsrumbles



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Kinda, M/M, Merlin - Freeform, Military AU, Smut, Swag, sorta - Freeform, tv
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-13 11:36:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1224835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsrumbles/pseuds/mrsrumbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur Pendragon is new on the military base, so he doesn't quite understand everything as much as he likes to think. When he makes a small comment to higher ranking officers, that ends up starting friendships, is when it all really breaks down into the real story.<br/>Is a foreign Irish recruit going to be the death of him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Military Humor

**Author's Note:**

> This is all based off the American military system. Probably loosely based off it, because the rankings might be a little off, but you'll get the picture. Have fun. It's mostly humor, and hopefully good humor?¿  
> Reviews and Kudos are much appreciated.

Military humor is humor only some seem to understand. It takes getting used to.

So, when Arthur Pendragon hears "no fags allowed!" from a passing military personnel, he doesn't take it lightly. He snaps around at the group of soldiers laughing, and the one kid they seem to be picking on.

The guy doesn't seem much older than himself, he's got a more hair than the usual troop, which is supposed to be a buzzcut. He's got striking blue eyes, as far as Arthur can see, and cheekbones that look like they were chiseled by God's hands.

Yeah, Arthur's a little gay.

And an airman basic, straight out of basic training into Tech School.

"What did you say to him?"

You can tell Arthur's new by his military attire and backpack hung on his back. Everyone knows the newbies dress like that because they're told to.

All the older guys know that the Big Guys don't give a shit.

"Called him a fag, fag," one with shaggy hair, says casually, "Don't get your panties in a twist."

"Excuse me. I will tell-," Arthur starts, but the... 'Fag', interrupts him.

"Oi!" He has an Irish accent, which is different than the normal. He must be a foreign recruit. This base is full of them; Arthur's in a class with a Puerto-Rican, too.

"It's a joke, newbie," he goes on, "Take the stick - or should I say dick - out of your ass and chillax. Can't make it long acting stiff."

Arthur tilts his head up and grabs ahold of his backpack. He doesn't need to take this from people who think they're higher than him.

Even though they are.

"My dad's Chief Master Sergeant of the-"

"Christ," another one, black, he has an African accent, "Take a seat, bucko."

Arthur does as he's told, because they are, in fact, in a higher ranking than himself.

They're in uniform, but the shaggy haired one has his buttons unbuttoned, and there is a sleeveless guy who is breaking a lot of rules. For one; he is... sleeveless.

"What's your name, kid?" Shaggy asks.

"Pendragon. Arthur Pendragon, sir," Arthur responds, trying to act defiant.

"Oi!" The Irish says again, "Chief Master Sergeant Pendragon's son. All makes sense now."

Arthur raises an eyebrow, ready to question his comment, but Shaggy beats him to it.

"Trained to kill from birth, I've heard. You poor, brainwashed, son of a bitch-," Shaggy shakes his shaggy head, "I'm Gwaine, by the way."

"Come on lads, let's introduce ourselves like the nice, polite people we are," Irish says and turns to face Arthur, "Name's Merlin. Or as they like to call me, Fag."

"I'm not calling you that, sir," Arthur retorts, and Merlin gives him a funny look, but doesn't say anything else.

"Percival," Sleeveless says, putting a muscular arm across the table to shake with Arthur. Arthur feels a little overwhelmed with the strength, but tries to fool him into thinking its nothing.

Then, two girls come to sit down. Usually, women in the military have a bad reputation about being ugly creatures.

Personally, Arthur would beg to differ.

"A newbie!" The one with dark skin says, and reaches over the table for a handshake, "Guinevere. Call me Gwen. I'm this sorry ass's sister," she points to the African. She doesn't have that very distinct accent that her brother has.

"Hey, come on, Eylan isn't _that_  much of a sorry ass," the taller woman says, "He's just a less apologetic ass," she shakes Eylan's head on top and smiles at Arthur, "I'm Morgana."

"Don't let her kind greeting fool you," Merlin mutters from next to him, "She's a right bitch once you get to meet her."

"Oh you know how I love it when you talk dirty to me," Morgana rolls her eyes, and takes her delicate nails and digs into her fried chicken on her plate.

"Why are we sitting with a newbie again?" Gwen asks, as she takes off her military cap and puts in on the table next to her tray.

"Newbie has actual, alive testicles. We like him," Gwaine says, flipping a lollipop back into his mouth.

They really are a strange group of people, Arthur thinks, if this is their way of showing they like him, but in another strange way, he likes it.

"Gwaine when are you going to cut your fucking hair," another guy, again with long curly hair, comes to sit by Arthur.

"You're one to talk, Shirley Temple," Gwaine backfires, "And not until I get yelled at."

"Your ears aren't showing. I'm surprised they haven't shot you down yet," Merlin says through a mouthful of corn.

"Oh please, all their guns are full of rubber bullets," Morgana jokes, and everyone laughs, and Arthur doesn't get it. He sticks out like a sore thumb, and he's hungry.

As if on cue, a man walks over and yells at the both of them. "Are you guys fucking joking?" The man says, and he looks extremely assertive and someone not to be messed with, Arthur takes note, "Cut your fucking hair before I do it myself. And trust me, I wouldn't be careful."

"On it, boss," Gwaine leans back and grins around his lollipop.

" _Now_!" The senior sergeant's voice booms through the chow hall.

Almost in an instant, both Gwaine and the other man are out the door.

The table falls silent, as the sergeant stands there for a moment before walking away. Everyone seems to release a breath.

"Senior Sergeant Mordred," Eylan says in a soft voice.

"Literal piece of walking shit," Merlin says.

And yeah, those eyes are still hot has hell.

Arthur nods. It's quite something for him to be friends with a group of higher ranks as a basic airman himself. And when he walks up to finally get some food, he thinks that Merlin might become the death of him.

 

o0o

 

40 minute run, each day, for the PT test.

100 push ups, each day, for the PT test.

Arthur Pendragon is a very hardworking man and doesn't settle for less when it comes to his duty in the military.

So, if he enjoys listening to Beyoncé while he works out, he damn sure will.

What Arthur doesn't intend though, is someone finding out about his little habit.

'I Was Here' is blasting when someone knocks him to the ground on the right.

Immediately, he's in defense mode. He grips the arm closest to him and rips it to the back of the person before stumbling on top of them. There's muttering and struggling, and Arthur gets a closer look to who he's tackled and wants to shove a gun down his throat.

Arthur scatters off him in a hurry, and Merlin laughs as he shakes off the grass from his front.

"Didn't know you were so _dominant_ ," Merlin says, and Arthur's not sure how to react to that, so he doesn't.

"Beyoncé?" Merlin grins as he points to Arthur's forgotten blaring iPod.

Yeah, Arthur wants out.

When Arthur still doesn't respond and just continues staring, Merlin rolls his eyes and grabs Arthur's iPod to pause it. After, he hands it to him. Arthur nods and feels extremely uncomfortable by the studious look in Merlin's beautiful eyes, as if he's examining him. He can't tell what Merlin's thinking, so he clears his throat to relieve some of the awkward tension.

"You a fag, Pendragon?" Merlin asks unexpectedly.

"I don't agree with that term, sir," Arthur responds.

"Stop with that 'sir' bullshit. We're not in uniform, so that's unnecessary."

"Okay, sir."

Merlin rolls his eyes and stands up. He puts out a hand to help Arthur do the same, and Arthur is placed on his feet.

"Still didn't answer my question, airman," Merlin pushes. Arthur gives Merlin a look.

Arthur's a little gay, yeah, but it's not like he's told anyone or done anything about it. His life has been completed by training to be better and stronger; sexuality had no part in it. Besides, if his father found out, hell would be raised.

So instead of answering Merlin's question, Arthur puts an earbud in one ear. "I have to get back to training, sir," Arthur says.

Merlin smiles sadly and puts a hand in Arthur's shoulder, "Listen, no one judges here. Who knows how long you have after school until you're active duty overseas. We mind as well make the most of it, yeah?"

Arthur nods slowly, not sure how to respond. Admitting to both himself and to other people the fact that he likes guys is a whole new world. Arthur could finally open up to the idea of having a boyfriend, and maybe other things. But those thoughts were completely unprofessional, and Arthur hadn't joined the force because of the social hours, he'd join to fight.

Whether or not Merlin will get in the way of that, Arthur will have to wait and see.

 

o0o

 

Next morning, when Arthur heads down to the chow hall for some breakfast, none of his new found acquaintances are there except Gwaine and 'Shirley Temple'. Arthur takes his chances, and after getting his food, sits across the table from them.

"Ay!" Gwaine says excitedly, "The lil airman is stickin' around for the show."

Both of them have buzzcutted hair, and in Arthur's opinion, it doesn't suit them at all. Gwaine's face looks babyish, and Shirley Temple looks fifty years older. Both of their facial hair is gone as well, and even only knowing them a day, Arthur knows that they look strange in their own minds too.

"Leon," Shirley Temple says, and extend a hand for Arthur to shake. Arthur nods and replies with his own name and that's that.

Arthur's breakfast consists of strawberries, bananas, lightly buttered toast, and a kiwi yogurt. And of course, Gwaine has to comment on it.

"Are you trying to lose weight from your baby?" And Leon laughs with Gwaine as Arthur rolls his eyes.

"It's called eating healthy," Arthur eyes Gwaine's bag of chips and greasy as hell burger, "Something you're obviously not familiar with."

To Arthur's surprise, Leon starts laughing and says, "Ain't that the truth." Gwaine rolls his eyes and continues digging into his potato chips.

"Anyway," Gwaine says, "Leon was just talking about how he boned Second Lieutenant last night."

Leon rolls his eyes, "I told you to shut up about it," and Arthur raises an eyebrow. He could tell Guinevere had been a Second Lieutenant by her badge on her military sleeve, and sure, there's plenty of Second Lieutenants around base, so it could've been any of them.

"Yeah, the babe who sat with us yesterday," Gwaine says as if he's reading Arthur's mind, and pulls out another lollipop.

"Isn't that against regulation? Especially while at Tech School?" Arthur asks.

"Like he gives a damn," Gwaine says, sucking on his lollipop quite... obscenely.

"Oh my god," Leon hits him on the back of the head, "Save it for Percy."

Gwaine doesn't seemed phased by Leon's comment, even though Arthur can't help but hang his mouth a little bit from the information.

Gwaine widens his eyes and, without a better term to use, pretty much deep-throats the lollipop, and smiles around it. Leon groans in response and gets up and mumbles something about 'class in ten minutes' and leaves.

"So, um, Sergeant Percival, sir?" Arthur tries with small talk. Then again, his sex life probably shouldn't be part of that.

Gwaine smiles small, and it's the first non-cocky thing Arthur's seen the sergeant do. "Not a secret, but not something to tell everyone, got it, kid?" Gwaine says, crumbling his potato chip bag onto his tray with his forgotten hamburger. He winks, and gets up.

Arthur finishes up the rest of his breakfast before he checks his watch. He's got class soon too, so he puts his cap on and straps his military backpack on before heading out.

If he looks back to see if Merlin's made his way in yet, well, no one's there to notice.

 

o0o

 

Arthur ends his first day of classes tired, but it doesn't stop him from doing his excessive training anyway. Afterwards, he takes a shower, and tries to relax. He's always been restless when it comes to doing things, so it's no wonder after about ten minutes that he needs to get going doing something. It's about eight at night now, the sky is dark because it's February (in Texas), and Arthur finds himself just walking around.

Lights aren't out until ten, so he has time to kill.

The base is hectic during the day, when everyone is out in uniform and traveling in packs. There's a huge difference at night time, when usually everyone's out in civil clothing and relaxed. Of course, few actually stay on base for the evening. One can only take so much military.

Arthur assumes everyone's gone from the higher ranked acquaintances he's found, so he's surprised to see Merlin standing by one of the fighter jet displays in one of the soccer fields. Arthur is between flight or fight. He could go up to Merlin, and have small talk and conversation, but that could cause certain temptations to occur.

Flight is seeming more appealing at the moment, but he doesn't have a choice once Merlin turns around and spots him. He gives a small wave as beckons him over.

Great.

Once Arthur makes his way over, he stands at parade rest.

"Hello, sir," Arthur greets.

"Told you to stop calling me 'sir'," Merlin mutters, not looking at him, tapping his cigarette ashes on the ground.

Arthur struggles to find something to say, and ends up blurting out, "Smoking isn't good for you."

"That's why I do it," Merlin takes another drag and looks up at Arthur through dark eyelashes, "I love things that are bad for me."

Arthur tries not to laugh, but one look at the small smirk on Merlin's face, he chuckles a bit.

"I have to say, sir," Arthur starts out, "That was an awfully lame thing you just said."

He's punched playfully in the arm, and when he looks up, he sees a small smile on Merlin's face. It makes his stomach do funny things, and he could get used to seeing that look on him.

That smile could find world peace.

While Merlin continues taking drags, Arthur finds the need to start blabbing. "You know the F-16 was made in New York...," Arthur starts off, and goes from there. A lot of useless information about certain models of planes, and who designed them and where they came from.

Worthless shit absolutely no one cares about.

Yet, Merlin doesn't stop him. Because it's not like Arthur's eyes seem to gleam as he expresses his interest in the planes, and it would be just plain stupid to say he looked adorable while explaining.

Complete idiocy.

But then again, Merlin might be a bit of an idiot.

He stomps out his cigarette bud, and Arthur is too busy describing the fucking fins of the plane or some shit to notice.

Hopefully, Arthur's not too caught off guard by the cigarette taste, but Merlin has an idea that Arthur will probably ruin this all with a comment about it.

Merlin grips the front of Arthur's shirt and shoves him into the pole that holds the front of the plane up. Not hard, but enough that it has a bit of a punch to it.

"Wha-" Arthur looks at Merlin with wide eyes, before he swoops in and let's their lips crash.

Arthur's never been kissed. That's the cold hard truth. Never found the need for love, because he was never taught he needed it. All he needed was strength.

Now he was on the onslaught of a mouth that had no mind to back off.

Yes, it tastes like cigarettes. But Arthur is too shocked and nervous to care.

Merlin is aggressive, and Arthur takes a while to cooperate, but then they're clumsily going at it. It wet and sloppy and perfect. Merlin's lips are like a gold mine and they feel amazing; Arthur can only hope that his feel the same to Merlin.

Merlin's the first to moan, which makes this situation a whole lot more complicated in Arthur's mind. It means Merlin wants him in places Arthur's not giving.

Merlin's hands are all over him, reaching for things Arthur won't show.

Merlin moans again and Arthur squeaks as he grabs Merlin's hands and takes them off of him.

Merlin pulls away from the kiss and looks at Arthur with a heavy look - a look that almost makes him give in.

Arthur tries to sound confident when he says, "Let's just stick to..." He points to Merlin's lips, "this?"

Posing it as a question makes him look more innocent, Merlin thinks. So as he licks his lips and nods, he thinks it's not all bad. Kissing is great, and when it's with Arthur, it's better than usual.

He can get used to this.


End file.
